I knew this would happen.
I knew I'd get this sick, pathetic feeling. It hurts so much to think right now. How could I be so bloody stupid?
My feelings are still unbelievably strong for two certain someones. It's honestly insane. They hate my guts and want me dead, yet I just want to be their friend; I love them to death.
I sometimes have to ask myself "What the hell even went wrong?"
Really, though. What DID go wrong?
I can't let go. That's crystal clear, bright as day. Is it because I'm weak or because I care for them at dangerous levels?
Why did I act like they weren't there? Even though I would get into a conversation and laugh with my friends, my mind would often wander. I would think to myself:
"How do I say hello to them?"
"They hate me."
"They want nothing to do with me."
"What the hell do I do?"
My weakness is that I care too much.
I tried to find them when the morning bell rang. I waited for them after school. I saw them. I waited. They walked right past me without a word; without a glance. I should have said something. Anything. When they disappeared I started to walk down the road, still trying to find them.
I'm still chasing after something I can not reach.
I just want to curl up and block everything off.
You know what? I am so fucking selfish. I am a bitter bitch.
I have all of these wonderful friends that I love to death, yet I still mourn over losing THEM. I'm so fucking selfish...
What brought a smile to my face,
I got to see Micheal again. He practically ran over to see me. He always manages to make me so happy. I don't know how...when things were difficult he would listen to me and he was so very understanding. I remember the time when he wouldn't let me out of his sight until I was safe in my classroom. He was worried about me...and I just left days later because of a stupid little quarrel. I already miss him so much.
I got to see Holly and Karolyn and Misty and Jessica and Tristan and Katie and Nick and Steven and so on and so forth. They all brought a smile to face. They're all so wonderful!
Levi certainly made my day, too. He let me visit and we hung out together. It was fun! I think I'm going to write/type a whole separate entry on that story when I'm not feeling so terrible. So expect a full report on that tomorrow!
I have to go.
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3 comments:
You care too much about how people think of you. All you can do is smile say hello and work through any awkwardness. If they don't like you its their loss. You are a good person, and you've probably lost touch with your friends because you haven't talked to them much. I'm sure they don't hate you and they probably didn't even see you if they didn't even glance at you. I'm glad you had a good time seeing your friends.
Loving people doesn't make you a weak person.
Ah, I'm glad you got to see everyone~ Well you know, mostly everyone.
Some things never change. But that doesn't necessarily have to be bad, right? I hope that you are still working with yourself. I don't know what I think about that anymore. It always changes - you probably know that.
Follow what you think is best for you. Nobody can stop you from grasping happiness. So much of us would like to see that in you - a true smile and a true laugh. You're important to a lot of us, don't think anything less of that fact.
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