stuck much?

I feel like I've been pulled under again, and I can't find the surface to breathe.

I feel like there is no one I can talk to anymore. I'm not being ridiculous, though, because I know people I can talk to, but you know why I can't. Sometimes I think I should find a therapist or counselor of sorts.

I agreed to let J have her time away so she can do what she needs to do. Even when she comes back, I can't possibly speak of what's on my mind.
Dad would get upset with me; Mom would tell me that I can't worry about that stuff. Hay would get irritated with me; Levi would just hint at feeling sorry for me, which is the last thing I want from anyone.

Maybe I should have stayed home from that party. Don't get me wrong, though. That party was fantastic. I had a great time seeing everyone and it was fun. But some things I saw and some things I heard just caused me to slip a little. I'm sort of glad I was wearing that mask most of the time.

Basically, to me, that party was a few hours of mental torture. So selfish of me to say.

Micheal does have a girlfriend it seems. That's one thing that bit at me. I think he's the only guy I could ever like like; I think I've always had this little crush on him. There's another thing about him, too, that I shouldn't go into mentioning. But it was hard to frolic around the party and see him so close to that girl. He was such a gentleman...funny, too. That chick doesn't even realize how lucky she is.

The mentioning of a couple people I used to know hurt as well. Everyone else just talked about them easily, whereas I would stumble over my words. Amanda was talking to Hay and I about hanging out with them and J at their house, and in a way I felt offended. Doesn't she know how I feel about that? But I was being stupid. Of course she knows, it just didn't hit her at the time, I guess.

The party was great, though. I saw Bianca, too. When the girls started talking about guys, though, I tried to ignore it. I tried to ignore everything. Basically, I tried concentrating on the fire the rest of the night. I didn't want to think.

I loved seeing everyone and it was fun...but something tells me that I shouldn't have gone.

If it goes on like this like it has been...maybe I do need help...

What? I've been missing, you say?

Guess who.

Yes, I have decided to return. It's been well over a while anyways, eh? Call me a nerd, but I miss blogging. And there is so much to catch up on! Where to start? I don't even know.

Well...
The goat has finally been named! She is now known as October; she is doing well. She got sick for a little while (well, she seemed sick, but it's not for certain), but it looks like she has recovered! Whoo~

I have finally been able to satisfy my nerdy needs by purchasing a Magic The Gathering card deck. I've had cards and played the game before, but I never really got into it. Chris, my cousin, is really into it and is pretty much a champ at the silly game. I wanted to give it a go! Maybe he and I can bond through it. Haha!

Last week on Friday and Saturday I helped my Grandmother out with her yard sell. Surprisingly, there weren't a lot of people. In a way that was unusual...there was, like, zero traffic on Saturday when usually there's more than we like. On Thursday we prepared ALL DAY and on Sunday and Monday we cleaned up. I think I'm also still a bit tired from it all.

And, to end this post because I am feeling drowsy, my sister and I will be tutoring our neighbor's son on Mondays and Wednesdays starting next month. I think it'll be fun and a good experience.

So, hopefully (maybe), I will catch up some more on my next blog entry. I've been such a slacker lately!

But, hey, at least I've been drawing again. I've been playing EverQuest a bit more, too. Is that considered lazy?
And, yes, of course I have been exercising and doing chores and such!

If you know me, you know that I cannot possibly sit in one place for too long...unless I'm watching a movie, drawing, or doing something else that strikes my fancy that includes the process of sitting.

Night!

transmission lost

Just wanted to post something letting all of you know that I might not blog for a while. In fact, I probably won't be on any messengers for a while, too. Or Deviant Art or Deviant Hearts or Subeta or anything like that. I might screw off on EverQuest though so that I don't have to think too much. And don't ask what's wrong because I'm not going to be telling anyone anything until I've got things figured out. Even then I might keep my mouth shut.
I hope that you are all doing well.
Take care and farewell.

Dx3

Dentist, Drumming, Debate.

I like to call today the triple D. Sounds like a bra size, doesn't it. D-cup! Sadly, I don't much about bra sizes. Or should I say thankfully? Back to the point, I am sitting here watching the presidential debate right now. The third D.

Back to the beginning, the first D was my dentist appointment at about 11:20am this morning. In a few months I'll only have to wear my super fantastic rainbow retainers at night! Cheers to that, my friends.

The second D was drum lessons. As usual, it was fun! When Phil was making a copy of a page from a lesson book for me, he said that the copier machine sounded like it was going to take off; just levitate away. I found that to be hilarious! So random. Oh, and as usual, Phil is still totally awesome and good looking.

The third D is going on as I type this. I'm, like, half paying attention. I need to watch it for my government class and write a reflection about it as the assignment. It's actually quite interesting. Mom is all into it.

There have been so many distractions, though. All I wanted to do was sit down, talk to J, and watch what needs to be watched. Well, it didn't work out like that. My younger cousin Kevin is over and I'm trying to hang out with him at the same time. I just got done making a sandwich and some chocolate milk for him. He's not the distraction, though. In fact, I enjoy his company and I gladly served him! Haha. The distractions included: goat getting in the house, taking the drill battery to Grandma, people coming in and talking really loud, the neighbors coming to see the goat, phone ringing, and a lot of other things. I felt so overwhelmed...I'm okay now!

My couisn says that I am really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really weird. His reason for thinking that is because I just am. Well, I think otherwise. He said that after I told him there was a girl I liked when I went to the high school. It makes me think what the rest of my family would think. Like, would they treat me differently?
Somehow, though, I'm not very worried about it.

Oh! By the way...a couple of weeks or so ago I took a picture of my "mini-mohawk." I guess they're actually called spines or something...but, yeah! It's hard to tell what's going on anyways. :P

Mutant Man Vs. Tremors; Baby Goat Feeding

Mutant Man vs. Tremors

D: OMG WTF
Mom and I went to the grocery store together yesterday and bought this movie that was on sale for, like, four bucks. And now...I know why. The movie is called Mutant Man and was made in about 1996 or so. I thought that, yeah, it would be a sort of a cheap horror considering the date and the title of the movie. It was indeed bizarre. My first complaint: pretty much all of the acting was...TERRIBLE. Sickeningly TERRIBLE. Haley said that it was slowly killing her. But there were two roles that were pretty well done and amusing (maybe because they were me and my sister's favorite characters). According to www.imbd.com Mutant Man is a horror/comedy. I must agree because the movie did have its humorous moments. Other than that...WOW. I would watch it again, though. Just to make fun of it or dub over it one of these days. ^_~
The best roles in that movie were (in my opinion):
Eugene (Hay's favorite)
Charlie (My favorite)

:D OMG YES
Our appetites were instantly cured as soon as the Tremors DVD was put into the movie player.
A few months back I purchased the Tremors: Attack Pack. It was as if Heaven itself bathed the world in a pure and celestial light. oAo
Anywhom, if you have never seen any of the Tremors movies....go see them. NOW. I think that the first movie in the series is that absolute best. It is so damn funny! This movie, too, is a horror/comedy.

Tremors totally kicked Mutan Man's ass by a landslide!

If you want to watch Mutant Man just for shits and giggles, go ahead. I would, too. x3

Baby Goat Feeding

Yes, we are still trying to decide a name for our little goat. mumblesistilllikeoptimusprimecreampuffburritopittmumbles
She is CRAZY when it comes to drinking out of a bottle! I'm about to call her Titty Chaser. -shot-
Here are some photos I took of her feeding. xD

And one more thing...

My sister and I dug away the bermuda grass from the gate to the chicken pen so that we could use the gate again. Our little goat figured out how to jump over the board we placed over the entrance. So it was decided that we fix that little issue. Bermuda grass is awfully tough, but we showed it! >D We threw in some stray bricks to make a little path looking thing too~We are proud. ♥

I'm off to practice drumming now~!

Optimus Prime Cream Puff Burrito Pitt

There is a new member in our family.
Our neighbor let us keep one of his female baby goats. She is so damn adorable! ♥
How we got her was quite interesting. I wasn't there for most of what happened, but Mom and Hay filled me in.
Apparently about five of our neighbors' little house dogs were on top of the baby goat and attacking her. My Mom - who was infuriated - was on the other side of the fence yelling at my neighbors house trying to get someone outside. I'm figuring when Hay came in to put on her converse (and when I first heard what was going on), Mom was about to climb the fence and kick the dogs off herself, but luckily our neighbor pulled in. He got the dogs off of the little goat and gave it to my Mom since he said she saved it. I don't think our neighbor was very happy, though, because there WERE people in the house. Both my Mom and my sister had been hollering, too.
Well, I know we're all glad that the little goat gets to live on our side of the canal now. It'll be so much healthier over here. We're still deciding a name, but I like to call her Optimus Prime Cream Puff Burrito Pitt.
Optimus Prime being the giant robotic transformer guy. Cream Puff because she looks cream colored. Burrito because Hay thought it was funny. And Pitt because I randomly thought of Brad Pitt.
A few hours after we received Creamy (I guess that can be a nickname), I let her out of the little spot we made for her so she could explore a portion of the back yard. She went right to eating the various weeds. It was so adorable!
Chin and Finn were both like "WTF, mate?" They were sort of stalking Creamy with wide eyes.
But, yes, our lovely little goat - I would have to say - was the highlight of today.

<3

Homecoming

Yesterday was - shall we say - interesting.

Levi called me the night before asking if I could go to homecoming. There was a parade, a football game, and a dance. I had to refuse the dance (heard from a friend that it was kind of boring anyways).
So, yesterday morning I was pretty much just getting ready to go to the parade. I was going there alone since Levi couldn't make it at that time. Nor could Amanda, and Jocelyn was out and about elsewhere. She, for the first, like, two minutes I stood alone until Haley's best friend spotted me. Oh, sweet Mary. How I love her so! She let me hang with her and some of her friends on the curb while we watched the parade. I took a bunch of pictures for Tristan, too. When the parade was over, Mary her friends and Katie (she showed up a little later) all left. Hence, I was alone again. But I knew what my next destination would be. I had it planned since the night before.

So, basically, I walked ALL the way across town just to drop of some drawings I had promised to some, ah, 'friends.' When I was, like, three minutes away I called on my cell first, just to make sure if they were home or not. I didn't want to show up unexpectedly either. I thought it was Nereida who answered...I could tell be her voice. Their baby sister was literally wailing in the background (it was actually quite painful to the ears) and when she moved to a different, quieter room - BAM - it sounded more like Zoraida. So, as much as it crushes me to think about, I'm guessing Nereida passed the phone on to her sister. I asked if I could drop off said pictures, and at first she said no 'cause they were going somewhere. I 'insisted' since I was only three minutes away, then she said it would be okay. I didn't know if I was scared or exited. I think it was a little bit of both.
I didn't have to ring the door bell or anything. Zoraida was out the door before I could even walk up to it. So, it was an awkward, uh, little chat that we had...some of it was as if we were friends again and a little bit of it Z seemed to be hostile. I couldn't really tell...but by reading her eyes I sort of figured that she might've wanted me gone. I think she is still holding a grudge against me or whatever. But SHE was the one who initiated the hugs! That only raises my confusion...
Well, she didn't like my new hair cut. Haha! Personally, I didn't care for hers either. Don't get me wrong, I think it looked very cute, but I liked Zoraida's long hair.
After giving her the drawings and her thanking me (truthfully or grudgingly) I just wandered off. Of course I cried a little, but very little. As much as it hurt, just kept walking. I didn't look back or anything. But I forgot to tell her so many things and I forgot to give her something else. Damn.
So I just sort of slowly made my way down the street quietly. Eventually I came across this punt little brick 'wall' thing in front of some random house and just sat there for like an hour. When the owner of the house was backing in I decided that maybe I should leave.

This is where things get a little more interesting.
There I be, cruising down the sidewalk wondering what the hell I was going to do now. I look up and see someone familiar. At first I just thought my eyes were messing with me, but I knew it had to be Jocelyn. I was actually hoping it was, too. But my first thought was, "No! J doesn't walk like that." Guess I was wrong. When she turned on a crosswalk I knew it was her. My attempts to catch her attention were futile. I whistled loudly, stomped my feet, and blah blah blah. Finally I just quickened my pace. I am now an official stalker. I tried whistling again but I guess I wasn't loud enough. When I saw her suddenly turn onto the stairs of the dentist and out of my sight, I knew where she was going (in a way). So I hurried across the street, strode up to the corner that lead to the dentist, and figured that when I turned the corner I'd see her sitting there. I was wrong. I lost her. I trotted up the dentist steps and onto the porch...thing...and then I saw her. NEXT, I followed her down an alley way. I tried walking with stiff feet again and played a cell phone ringtone at max volume. She STILL didn't notice. I was, like, ten feet behind her! So, I tried calling. That didn't work. I think she finally just stopped and turned around (or did I yell...for some reason I can't remember...). Her expression was priceless. Eh, it always is. Apparently I 'scared the shit out of her.'
Victory was mine.

Soooooooo, then her and I pranced around town in random directions until we came finally just stopped at the park for a break. There we just hung out like friends would, you know? Levi showed up shortly after. We all had a blast together.
When J went to go and meet with a friend of hers (Levi and I following because she is our 'mommy') that's when I started to feel a bit...uh-uh. Or something. But I did like Vanessa and Tyler. They were both very open about their relationship with each other, that's for sure. I kinda felt ignored though...I studied the three of them (J, V, and T) goofing off...I was trying to figure something out. But I had Levi the whole time! We always cause trouble together. So theeeeeeeeeeeeen we hung out, got food, Levi and I felt lost when J 'abandoned' us, then we all went back to the park...and goofed off some more.
It was pretty much after dark when the cops showed up.
We were all sitting at a table together, joking, laughing, having a good time; these two cops come up to us flashing their flashlights on us. They were asking us questions like where do you go to school, what grade are you in, and what have you. Suddenly, the one next to me asks "Who's popping pills?"
We're all like..."What?"
He asked again and Levi asked him if he was joking, and the cop said no. He flashed his light through the table and, sure enough, there was a...fucking...pill...what are the chances, dear Cazic!?
We all sort of just... o.o
How the hell did that get there!?
So they asked us more questions, made Levi crush the pill (I think they thought it was him! haha poor guy), and finally they left. They must've noticed the truth. We were all sober! I'm surprised they didn't search us or something.
Talk about crazy but oh-so exciting!

Finally, Levi and I went to pay to get into the foot ball game after some random...junkie (?) came over to our group. He was...so....wow. As we were going to buy our tickets he was behind us! Hah! Anyways, I had to pay six bucks to get in because I was a visitor...lol.

It was great! For the most part...I got to see a lot of people like Holly, Ashley, Kristen, Stephanie, my cousin Grant, Karolyn, etc etc.
But for some reason (as selfish as this sounds) I felt so alone. I felt like I was invisible to everyone even though we talked with each other and laughed. Whenever I was pulled through the crowd, I felt like I was just fading. No seemed to notice or remember who I was. I truly felt like a stray. I was literally the lone wolf in this huge pack of...lions or something. I was so very grateful I got to see and hang out with so many people though.
After hours of wandering around and following Amanda to find her friend Brenna, my legs were literally about to give way beneath me. Usually I'd be fine, but for the past couple of days Dad and I had been doing some pretty tough work, and it included a fine amount of stamina used up. My legs still hurt today. I went to find J to tell her that I was going to leave or something (I had no idea where I would go), and she gave me hug before I turned around. I would have liked to hang with her longer.
Instead of leaving, though, I found my way over to a strip of cement a few centimeters of the ground. Everyone eventually migrated over there. I felt really stupid because sitting like that didn't do anything for my legs, but I liked the pain.
Oh, geez. Then there was this kid Shaun or whatever (one of Steven's friends) that just stared at me with this weird expression. He just...stared. And stared. And stared. First he was all "What's up with-?" and he run his fingers through his hair. I knew instantly what he was referring to. His hair was pretty damn short, but mine is shorter.
"It's shorter than mine!" is what he said.
He said it freaked him out because I looked like his cousin who is a guy. Then he was suspicious of my gender. I told him I was a girl and he didn't exactly totally believe me. He told me to prove. Well, hello, boobs. He said that doesn't prove it. Even when my friends told him I was a girl...he still eyed me suspiciously. I rather enjoyed it though. Haha!

Okay, this is LONG! I'm gonna summarize the rest.
Amanda needed somewhere to go because her sister wouldn't pick her up, I let her and Levi come over for a while (it was about 11pm), they along with Hay were ALL playing iSketch while I wandered around not knowing what to do, then I got a call from Clint about some guys stopped and the smell of oil and blah blah, I called Grandma, I went out with Clint, watched the cars leave, met with Grandma, we all talked about random stuff, then we went home, Levi went home, Amanda was trying to keep me awake when I was terribly exhausted, then I passed out, then they woke me up, then we went to bed. So Amanda got to stay the night! We played Mario world, too.

Ooooooooooooooooooooooooh
And earlier that day a kid was riding his bike down the sidewalk while I was at my sister's best friend's house hanging out in the drive way with a group of people and that kid did a fancy little jump and lost control only to find himself slamming into one of the girl's car. Poor kid. I hope he's okay...but it WAS sickeningly amusing.

I'm feeling a bit dizzy from all of this typing and thinking and what not. If I forgot anything...oops...sorry. I might add on later. Heh.

Homecoming was wow.

do the helen keller and talk with your hips

"tounges, always pressed to your cheeks.
while my tounge is on the inside of some other girl's teeth.
tell your boyfriend, if he says he's got beef,
that i'm a vegetarian, and i ain't fucking scared of him."

Ah, I love that song. Don't Trust Me - 3oh!3

Other than that...
I still haven't been posting to my satisfaction. I guess I've been feeling a little overwhelmed lately, but I shouldn't let that hold me down from ranting.
So today I will most likely get to go to my old high school's homecoming parade. It'll be a blast, though I'll most likely be alone. Then, several hours later, I'll be going to the football game with a friend of mine. I really hope I get to see, like, everyone. I miss them terribly.
I said I'd mention the misfortune that had been occuring...but I'm a bit reluctant to.
It's just that my close friend's dad died last week and the loss has been playing its part in everyone. I want to be there for her and help her out with anything. I wanna be a good friend for her.
Another dear friend of mine was also attacked last week. I am so very thankful that he is okay (for the most part). His throat isn't exactly the same anymore...I'm praying and wishing the best for him.
Mom and Dad are up in the mountains right now. I hope they're safe and having a fun time.
I'm not too sure of what to say anymore...I feel a bit flustered but not...if that makes any sense.
I'm trying to get back into the routine of daily updates.