stuck much?

I feel like I've been pulled under again, and I can't find the surface to breathe.

I feel like there is no one I can talk to anymore. I'm not being ridiculous, though, because I know people I can talk to, but you know why I can't. Sometimes I think I should find a therapist or counselor of sorts.

I agreed to let J have her time away so she can do what she needs to do. Even when she comes back, I can't possibly speak of what's on my mind.
Dad would get upset with me; Mom would tell me that I can't worry about that stuff. Hay would get irritated with me; Levi would just hint at feeling sorry for me, which is the last thing I want from anyone.

Maybe I should have stayed home from that party. Don't get me wrong, though. That party was fantastic. I had a great time seeing everyone and it was fun. But some things I saw and some things I heard just caused me to slip a little. I'm sort of glad I was wearing that mask most of the time.

Basically, to me, that party was a few hours of mental torture. So selfish of me to say.

Micheal does have a girlfriend it seems. That's one thing that bit at me. I think he's the only guy I could ever like like; I think I've always had this little crush on him. There's another thing about him, too, that I shouldn't go into mentioning. But it was hard to frolic around the party and see him so close to that girl. He was such a gentleman...funny, too. That chick doesn't even realize how lucky she is.

The mentioning of a couple people I used to know hurt as well. Everyone else just talked about them easily, whereas I would stumble over my words. Amanda was talking to Hay and I about hanging out with them and J at their house, and in a way I felt offended. Doesn't she know how I feel about that? But I was being stupid. Of course she knows, it just didn't hit her at the time, I guess.

The party was great, though. I saw Bianca, too. When the girls started talking about guys, though, I tried to ignore it. I tried to ignore everything. Basically, I tried concentrating on the fire the rest of the night. I didn't want to think.

I loved seeing everyone and it was fun...but something tells me that I shouldn't have gone.

If it goes on like this like it has been...maybe I do need help...