Just Once More

Our sky.
The sky of this valley. So polluted. Every time I see photos of places where the sky is endless...envy consumes me. When I think about the people living under those crystal clear skies, I wish that their wonderland could be my own. Instead, here, a thick sheet of smog and other shit acts as an aggravating barrier, filling our lungs with wretched disgust. If Tori is to never return home, then I hope that he has found clear skies to fly in. I wish for him to have all of the happiness that a bird could possibly posses; I wish for him to find that place which he could truly call his haven. I don't want him to look up at this sky any longer. It has bore its fangs deep within myself. When I was a child, it was just the sky. Nothing more, nothing less. Now I realize how poisonous it really is.

Though it succeeds in placing me in darker moods, I still strive to better myself with all of this free time I now have again. Lately I haven't been doing so, I hate to admit. I don't want to use my last few days of being ill as some sort of mortal excuse. I don't want all of these everlasting thoughts and wishes of her to cause me to hesitate on the path I wish to follow.

I am merely sixteen years young, yet I already feel like I lost that one person who I could truly be happy with. I want her. I don't need her. But I've gotten to the point that where my want for her - for them - is so strong that it seems to have become a need. A necessity for survival. But I do not pray on them like the blood thirsty predator I sometimes see myself as. I am no stalker, nor am I frighteningly obsessed. I just love them dearly. Now my want for them is preying on me, urging me; daring me to reach out to them again. Why? Why do I feel like I need them in my life?

Drawings. Writings. Laughing. Crying.
When I was with them, my life was practically based around them.
I had set this duty upon myself. I wanted to protect them. I wanted to make them happy. I wanted to give them what they wanted, but could not have.
I'm not sure if it was my stubborn side that lead to our friendship's end or my stupidity. Maybe it was their lack in trust for me...despite everything I had done for them, and will still do for them.
I gave them everything I had to offer. I tried so hard to keep us together.
If I hadn't rested my head on her shoulder...if I hadn't scooted so close to comfort her with my words that would later mean nothing...how would things be now?
She was upset. I remember her sister telling me that she would not come down to eat; it had been like that for some time. I had gone upstairs to her, to try and have her come down. The way she felt...about everything...they way she felt about everything just tore me apart.

"I'll always be here for you," I whispered to her. I wanted her to know that, indeed, I would forevermore be by her side.

"Thank you." Her voice. A simple whisper, those words. What I would give to hear it again.

That moment, though short lived, is the one that I shall never ever forget. It's something that keeps me going to this day. Something that I would kill for to experience again.

I want her to see through this blanket of crap that pollutes our sky. I want her to see the endless world that lies before her. I want her to find true happiness.

I want to see her smile, hear her laugh, listen to her voice, and see her beautiful face...just once more. If I can never have her by my side again, then at least let me see her one more time.