...

Not a day goes by when I don't think about them. That much is for certain.

Is it selfish of me to go ahead and rant about this here? I have nowhere else to go or no one else to talk to about it. I might as well plague my blog here with it rather than allow it all to be more public. But, then again, this is the internet. How much more public can it get?
I just need to let this all out somewhere...

Sometimes I wish I had never gone back to the high school. If I didn't, everything would be as it was. Everything would be fine. But my desire to be with them was great enough to make me go back to that place. Worst mistake of my life. I shouldn't have let her walk away. I shouldn't have kept to myself so much.

When we did bicker...fight...it didn't concern me as much. I was irrational; all I wanted was to get back at them. I think that something inside of me told me that everything would be ok. Because I would get to see them the next day. I would have another day to set things right. Not anymore. But that...this is my fault.

I don't think anyone understands.
They may tell me "yes, I do understand," but they don't. They just don't.
When I see myself breaking down over them I think I'm crazy for loving them so much when they hate me and want me dead.
When I don't break down over them I think I'm crazy because they mean so much to me.

It's hard to think anymore. Whenever they happen to come into mind it's a battle. A struggle to find something else to think about. I try desperately to get away from the thoughts.

I hide everything now. From everyone. I try my best to keep everything inside. I don't want them to know.
But sometimes I wish someone would find me when I'm falling apart, because when I look at my house, I don't want to go back and have to dry my tears and hide everything again.

I hate this. I sound so pathetic, and I hate it. But somehow I need to get this out. Even if it means abusing my poor blog which was supposed to be for all of the happy memories. I'll probably look back on this and vomit.

But I can't deny that they were once the closest friends, the closest people, I have ever, ever had in this life. So close...we could talk about anything, and we did. We could do anything and be anything with each other, and we did. They were my best friends. And, at that time, the best I ever had. Hell, I took everyone else's friendship for granted. These two girls were what was most important to me. I wanted to make them happy; to give them what they could not get themselves.

Now they deny everything. I'm sure they deny ever being my friend. I'm sure they hate me; want me dead; want me gone for good from their lives...but I can't help but love them. I can't help but long to have them back. I do want them back...so badly...

I wish I can tell them all of this without them mocking me and putting me down.

"You don't take friendships seriously."

The friendship that I was most serious about was theirs.

When I lost them, it was more than obvious that I lost a part of myself. All of my favorite things, all of my favorite hobbies, every song, every sight, every breath...them. It all falls back to them.
There are times when I am truly happy and I can laugh and smile truthfully, but, it seems that no matter what I do, it always comes back.
They have me wrapped around their finger and they don't even know it.

I remember a time when I was leaving their house after staying the night, and I asked them to ask their parents if they could come over to my house that night and stay the night for the first time at my place. When they came back out saying that their parents said no...I remember seeing the tears in their eyes. No joke...and on the way home I tried so hard not to cry. Because I didn't want to leave. I wanted to go back...to stay another night...

Sometimes I just want to go there. Just fall asleep there. Fall asleep in a place that they would be when I opened my eyes again.

The Big Dipper. That constellation in the sky. They never knew it was thee until I showed them. Now just looking at the stars is painful...not beautiful.

Sometimes I wish they could feel this pain. Sometimes I want them to suffer like this so they know how much it fucking hurts. But the last thing that I ever wanted to do is hurt them.

Why can't I forget? Why can't I let go? Is it because I don't want to? What possible thread of hope am I trying to reach for? If there even is one...

All I want for Christmas, if it isn't too much to ask for, is to have them back.

Because, if they can see through all of these misunderstandings...then maybe...

And I've realized my mistakes. I am the one at fault.
Please, just let me have them back.

I've never missed someone so much in my entire life.